I will begin with a few things...
I had to pack up my maternity clothes for Auntie Amy. I cried. I didn't even get to wear half of them.
When I look at pictures of me pregnant, I cry.
When I think about everything that you and I missed out on having, I cry.
When I look back and read the blog and all the things that I, naively, thought would happen, I cry.
When I think about all those moments when you were inside that I took for granted, I cry.
When I see other pregnant people (although I only wish them happy and healthy pregnancies and babies), I cry.
When I think about the fact that I may never be pregnant again or feel the little kicks or get a big round tummy or have a natural birth or hold my baby in my arms right after delivery or breastfeed, I cry.
BUT...
When I look at you, I smile.
When you smile back, I smile even harder.
When you coo and talk, I smile.
When you stop crying because I pick you up, I smile.
When you hug me tight and hold my shirt, I smile.
When you spit up on Daddy, I smile.
When you play with your toys, I smile.
When you play with your family, I smile.
When you kick your legs, I smile.
When you get half way while rolling over, I smile.
When you laugh, I smile.
When you don't blink for like 10 minutes, I smile.
When you fart, I smile.
When you pee on me in the tub, I smile.
When you sleep, I smile.
When you cry, I smile.
When I am not with you, I miss you.
I never thought that I could love someone as much as I love you. I can't wait to see who you will become (well, I can... don't grow up too fast!)!
Lastly, someone posted this on thebump.com on the preemie board and I really loved it and don't want to loose it, so I will post it here. It pertains to the time in the NICU. I changed it up a bit to fit with our situation better:
What I wouldn't give
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© To have had a stranger come up to me on the street when I was pregnant and ask "When are you due?"
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© To have stretch marks on my belly right now instead of bags under my eyes.
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© To wake up at 3am to a hungry newborn crying instead of an alarm alerting me that I need to express my breast milk.
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© To turn over instead of driving a half-hour to see my baby’s face every day.
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© To not have to change my baby's diaper through two portholes in an incubator.
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© To start my day without hearing or speaking the words “morning rounds.”
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© To dress my son without being worried I'm going to pull out a tube or IV.
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© To give my baby a bottle without worrying whether it's sapping the energy he needs to keep himself warm.
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© To see my son’s grandparents, aunts, uncles and the rest of our friends and family hold him in their arms.
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© To look at all the beautiful baby gifts we've received over the last few weeks from friends and family and not wonder whether we'll have a baby come home to use them.
I hope and pray that some day soon these experiences will eventually come, but in the meantime, I'm thankful for:
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© Days that I don't have to watch my baby get another IV put in.
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© Days when the doctors increase my son’s breast milk feedings.
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© Days he gains weight -- even if it's only a few grams and everyone in the NICU thinks it's just poop that hasn't come out yet.
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© Days he poops!
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© Days I get to hold my sweet son without the nurse needing to increase his oxygen level.
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© The nurses and doctors who work so hard to help keep my son alive.
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© Friends and family that show their love and support in so many ways.
e iThat is all for today... more to come!
I love you!
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